On the morning show “Live with Kelly and Mark”, they often play a game called “Stump Mark”. Mark Consuelos listens to a caller tell of two events or skills they have in their life. Only one of the statements is true. It’s all fun and games.
But what if you were married to a person where this was how they live, only you have no idea? What happens to you when someone you have committed your life to in marriage thinks it is normal to lie to you daily – about everything.
Plausible deniability in relationships is when a person does something intentionally, but they do it in such a way that the victim(s) has no way of knowing whether it was done deliberately, and the perpetrator claims it did not happen at all or was unintentional.
One form of this lying that has been talked about a lot lately is gaslighting. This is after the movie Gaslight (1944) where the evil husband has murdered his aunt and is secretly searching for priceless pearls in the next-door apartment. The wife sees the gaslight turn down and up and the husband tells her it is not happening. This denial of the truth is a deliberate attempt on the part of the predator to make the victim question her reality. Normally, this type of psychological abuse causes the victim to feel confused and have fog-brain. This is greatly enjoyed by the perpetrator as she is slower to confront him in his lies.
But what if the game is changed a little to be “Two Truths and a Lie”. Sometimes we play this game at dinner parties to get to know one another. But in the hands of someone with a seared conscience, the effects on the victim are devastating. This happens in destructive marriages where the husband logs into his wife’s Facebook account and looks for prostitutes. When she confronts him about it, he denies that they are prostitutes and says they are antagonistic toward his place of employment. But the wife can see they don’t even live in the same town, and they all have the same “look”.
These character-disordered individuals are also capable of pulling in “minions” – supporters who have not seen the mask drop on the liar and want to think the best of him. Sometimes, you have been groomed to be a “minion” and you have no idea. For example, let’s say a CEO that has a corner office gives all the secretaries on that side of the building permission to go to lunch together while he answers the phones. It sounds great to the ladies that want to lunch together. But the boss knows this allows him to be ‘alone’ and undetected in his office. The secretaries think he is great for letting them lunch together, but he got to do what he wanted for hours undetected.
Also on a large scale, spiritual abuse occurs with plausible deniability. One way is when the predator writes a big check to the office housekeeper and drops it in the pool for their Christmas gift. It looks so generous. Everyone now knows what he gave (the first purpose of the check) and the housekeeper will also know that the gift was from him. It might even be the largest check the predator boss wrote the entire Christmas. But the second purpose is to ingratiate himself to the housekeeper. So, if anything odd is seen or found in his office, then the housekeeper feels obligated to keep her mouth shut and not expose the boss.
Another way the pathological liar combines lying with spiritual abuse is on mission trips. There are many experiences of Christian women in destructive marriages finding out that their spouse was trafficking women on a foreign mission trip. This is easy to hide as many hotels provide the women and the predator only needs to say they are tired and retiring to the room to sleep early. You know, the whole jet lag thing.
The most egregious example of this was Ravi Zacharias who raped women all over the globe as he wrote books and spoke about the Bible. One of his former employees, Sam Allberry, now a pastor, stated in a YouTube interview, that it was quite possible Ravi created the entire ministry to hide how he raped women. The ultimate “plausible deniability” for sure.
If you are married to someone who is a pathological liar, the chances that they will change are less than 1%. Know that this type of psychological abuse is very insidious and has lasting effects on your health. Please consider this as you plan your escape. Godspeed.
コメント