Why The Question, "Does He Hit You?", is So Insufficient

Why the question, “Does he hit you?” is so insufficient.

*Trigger Warning: physical abuse

As  I was escaping my abusive marriage and people began to ask me questions to help them understand what was happening, a person asked, ”does he hit you?” My response was something like, “not usually.” Why, because in my mind the most common forms of physical attacks were being back handed, using the car as a weapon or throwing family members into the wall or onto the floor. I did not think of those as “hitting.” For me, "hitting" means striking me in the face. Honestly, there were nights where I lay in bed hoping that he would beat my face so people would recognize his violence and help me. But the only black eye I got was at night in my sleep.

There was an incident in our past, where he did beat the crud out of me. I had suppressed that because what happened before the beating in my mind was WAY WORSE.

In the late nineties, we went on vacation to Colorado Springs. We packed up our minivan with our four children between 1 and 7 and headed west. I was driving when we hit Fort Stockton. I noticed that the cruise control was not really working right so I pulled out the owner’s manual and it said to not use cruise control in the mountains. I read it aloud in the car and he said he did not care.

Days later, we went to the Royal Gorge Bridge that is over an hour away from Colorado Springs. I remember being on the bridge across the gorge with a stroller and toddlers and being scared and thinking this was a terrible idea. The abuser  asked if I wanted to take the kids down the mountain side on a chair system to the bottom. I refused.( the Royal Gorge did not have any park at this time)

Back in the car, he drove home. I was in the back seat with the one-year-old. As we approached Colorado Springs, it was 5 o’clock traffic on an elevated highway with no shoulder. Our minivan began to sputter as the fuel pump was going out. The abuser had driven with cruise control on the entire time. As we approached an exit, he passed it by and stayed on the highway. The 18-wheeler drivers laid on their horns, the car drivers were honking, and I was yelling, TAKE the exit.

He refused.

He told me he did not want to take it because he might have to walk somewhere for help.

So, the minivan sputters on and finally stops in the right lane just at the next entrance ramp. We have multiple cars stuck behind our disabled vehicle and since it was rush hour and we are blocking the right lane, people are flying past us on the right getting onto the elevated highway.

At this point my predator begins to rage at me. He rages at me that I must get ALL four kids and myself out of the car. I am questioning  “WHY?” No one is going to hit us - there are multiple cars behind us. I look over at the possible shoulder and there is not one. Only a guard rail with the tips of tall grass exposed. I could see it was a steep drop off for this elevated highway. I refused to get the kids out of the minivan.

Then, miraculously, the minivan got a little more gas and we were able to get off the road by taking the next exit. We pulled in under the highway and the abuser was raging. I got the kids out and we ran up the embankment. He screamed at the car and then ran up the embankment yelling at me about my “disobedience” and beat me with the kids huddling around me. I only remember looking up and seeing a woman hanging over the side of the walkway above yelling at the abuser to stop.

An old man came to our rescue and took us to his house where his wife and I visited, and the kids played. For the rest of the trip the abuser did not speak to me. Not for the three days that we were stuck in the hotel room. Not for the 15-hour driving trip back to Texas. He never apologized or repented.

In all those hours, I kept thinking, “why did he try to kill us?” Why would he try to get me to take my kids out in front of oncoming traffic?

So, when a people helper asked, “does he hit you?”, I did not at first remember the beating on the Colorado highway, because my mind held the memory of his attempt to get me to kill myself and my children over the memory of the predator beating me.

I did remember the beating later. When I was sitting at dinner with my grown kids and one of them said they had not been to Colorado before. I said, “yes you have” and then the whole memory returned.

That is how trauma affects you. That is why it takes so long to overcome living with a predator. Not only are you recovering memories of what the predator did, but you also have those people that dealt with the abuser in his profession that are now telling their stories of horrible experiences with him. The skeletons just keep falling out of the closet. It can be exhausting. But it is also healing since each piece of information helps to solve a question you had about one of the predator’s lies. It just becomes much clearer with each passing month.

You made the right choice to escape. God will redeem the years the locusts ate with the predator.

If you are still stuck in coercive control and cannot see a way out, please reach out. I felt that way for decades. It’s not good for you, your kids or your health. You can find me at Seeking Peace Coaching on Facebook, Instagram and Linked In. My website is seekingpeacecoaching.com. Godspeed.

#domesticabusesurvivor #domesticviolenceawareness #physicalabuse #emotionalabuse #roadrage #colorado #texas #pearsall #vacationsfromhell #cruelty #sociopaths #psychopaths #narcissists #tasa #tasb #minivan #coercivecontrol