How Character-Disordered Leadership Creates Dangerous School Environments

There are many words thrown around to describe those who walk among us without empathy or conscience: abusers, oppressors, narcissists, sociopaths, intimate partner predators, psychopaths and even conmen. While each term has its nuances, one label ties them all together: coercive controllers.

These individuals see people not as fellow human beings but as tools – objects to manipulate for their own gain. As Dr. Martha Stout notes in The Sociopath Next Door, roughly 1 in 25 people lack a conscience entirely. They do not feel shame, guilt or remorse. When such people gain positions of power—especially in school administration—the risks to students and staff multiply quickly.

They can be masters of image management, skilled at crafting a public persona that appears ethical, compassionate, and effective. Their ability to produce results—high test scores, smooth PR, well-attended events—can convince even seasoned professionals that they’re exemplary leaders. But behind closed doors, the culture they cultivate is anything but safe.

But coercive controllers create long term disadvantages to the school district. From my experience and observation, these kinds of leaders:

• Avoid all accountability. Therefore, they hire large cabinets to protect themselves from the fall out of bad situations.

• Sabotage contracts and careers. Knowing staff may need them for future references, they use this leverage to suppress dissent.  In some cases, they may use  sexual coercion to gain silence or compliance.

• Undermine  programs that promote boundaries. They often detest or devalue anti-bullying or abuse-prevention training.  

  
  

• Foster a culture of fear. Speaking up is punished; silence is rewarded. As Shannon Thomas notes in Healing from Hidden Abuse, abusers seek positions that control who gets certification and status in their field.

• Create a district that has a split reality. Some see a “Christian family man”; others see a toxic boys’ club behind closed doors.

This level of manipulation causes deep harm, especially when children are involved.

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As Scripture warns:

“This is the way of the adulterer: she eats and wipes her mouth and says, ‘I’ve done nothing wrong.’” — Proverbs 30:20

If you've experienced this kind of leadership, you're not imagining it.

You’re not alone.

And it’s not okay.

The beauty of speaking out for victims is that you are never the only one. When someone tells the truth, others often find the courage to step forward. These character-disordered individuals follow patterns – and those trails leave carnage in the lives of students, staff and communities.

If your church or organization wants to learn how to avoid hiring abusive leaders – or  how to respond well when someone discloses abuse – I would be honored to help.  

Please reach out. 

#characterdisorders #sociopathawareness #domesticviolencesurvivor #wolvesinsheepclothing #texas #txlege #inspectorgeneral #childabuse #intimatepartnerpredators #domesticviolenceawareness #seekingpeacecoaching

Why The Question, "Does He Hit You?", is So Insufficient

Why the question, “Does he hit you?” is so insufficient.

*Trigger Warning: physical abuse

As  I was escaping my abusive marriage and people began to ask me questions to help them understand what was happening, a person asked, ”does he hit you?” My response was something like, “not usually.” Why, because in my mind the most common forms of physical attacks were being back handed, using the car as a weapon or throwing family members into the wall or onto the floor. I did not think of those as “hitting.” For me, "hitting" means striking me in the face. Honestly, there were nights where I lay in bed hoping that he would beat my face so people would recognize his violence and help me. But the only black eye I got was at night in my sleep.

There was an incident in our past, where he did beat the crud out of me. I had suppressed that because what happened before the beating in my mind was WAY WORSE.

In the late nineties, we went on vacation to Colorado Springs. We packed up our minivan with our four children between 1 and 7 and headed west. I was driving when we hit Fort Stockton. I noticed that the cruise control was not really working right so I pulled out the owner’s manual and it said to not use cruise control in the mountains. I read it aloud in the car and he said he did not care.

Days later, we went to the Royal Gorge Bridge that is over an hour away from Colorado Springs. I remember being on the bridge across the gorge with a stroller and toddlers and being scared and thinking this was a terrible idea. The abuser  asked if I wanted to take the kids down the mountain side on a chair system to the bottom. I refused.( the Royal Gorge did not have any park at this time)

Back in the car, he drove home. I was in the back seat with the one-year-old. As we approached Colorado Springs, it was 5 o’clock traffic on an elevated highway with no shoulder. Our minivan began to sputter as the fuel pump was going out. The abuser had driven with cruise control on the entire time. As we approached an exit, he passed it by and stayed on the highway. The 18-wheeler drivers laid on their horns, the car drivers were honking, and I was yelling, TAKE the exit.

He refused.

He told me he did not want to take it because he might have to walk somewhere for help.

So, the minivan sputters on and finally stops in the right lane just at the next entrance ramp. We have multiple cars stuck behind our disabled vehicle and since it was rush hour and we are blocking the right lane, people are flying past us on the right getting onto the elevated highway.

At this point my predator begins to rage at me. He rages at me that I must get ALL four kids and myself out of the car. I am questioning  “WHY?” No one is going to hit us - there are multiple cars behind us. I look over at the possible shoulder and there is not one. Only a guard rail with the tips of tall grass exposed. I could see it was a steep drop off for this elevated highway. I refused to get the kids out of the minivan.

Then, miraculously, the minivan got a little more gas and we were able to get off the road by taking the next exit. We pulled in under the highway and the abuser was raging. I got the kids out and we ran up the embankment. He screamed at the car and then ran up the embankment yelling at me about my “disobedience” and beat me with the kids huddling around me. I only remember looking up and seeing a woman hanging over the side of the walkway above yelling at the abuser to stop.

An old man came to our rescue and took us to his house where his wife and I visited, and the kids played. For the rest of the trip the abuser did not speak to me. Not for the three days that we were stuck in the hotel room. Not for the 15-hour driving trip back to Texas. He never apologized or repented.

In all those hours, I kept thinking, “why did he try to kill us?” Why would he try to get me to take my kids out in front of oncoming traffic?

So, when a people helper asked, “does he hit you?”, I did not at first remember the beating on the Colorado highway, because my mind held the memory of his attempt to get me to kill myself and my children over the memory of the predator beating me.

I did remember the beating later. When I was sitting at dinner with my grown kids and one of them said they had not been to Colorado before. I said, “yes you have” and then the whole memory returned.

That is how trauma affects you. That is why it takes so long to overcome living with a predator. Not only are you recovering memories of what the predator did, but you also have those people that dealt with the abuser in his profession that are now telling their stories of horrible experiences with him. The skeletons just keep falling out of the closet. It can be exhausting. But it is also healing since each piece of information helps to solve a question you had about one of the predator’s lies. It just becomes much clearer with each passing month.

You made the right choice to escape. God will redeem the years the locusts ate with the predator.

If you are still stuck in coercive control and cannot see a way out, please reach out. I felt that way for decades. It’s not good for you, your kids or your health. You can find me at Seeking Peace Coaching on Facebook, Instagram and Linked In. My website is seekingpeacecoaching.com. Godspeed.

#domesticabusesurvivor #domesticviolenceawareness #physicalabuse #emotionalabuse #roadrage #colorado #texas #pearsall #vacationsfromhell #cruelty #sociopaths #psychopaths #narcissists #tasa #tasb #minivan #coercivecontrol

What Are Some Forms of Spiritual Abuse?

Today there are many memes and hashtags about pastors who are overtly against cultural sins, but yet secretly participate in a form of the same sin that they are speaking out about.

How is it possible that these predators are able to do these things and even seem to "confess" from the pulpit - and yet not be brought to justice?

One tactic of many predators to not be held accountable is spiritual abuse.

Spiritual abuse is a form of emotional and psychological abuse where the perpetrators use scriptures, words of the Bible and religious traditions to coerce, silence and confuse the victims of the predator. It depends on how the perpetrator intends to use you and what side of the predator a victim will witness. Some of the victims see the wicked side of the predator and some of the victims are groomed to be character witnesses.

As I have said before, there are three types of predators that show up to deceive a church or school. The child abuser, the embezzler, and the intimate partner predator. John 10:10 says "the enemy comes to steal, kill and destroy." And in this passage Jesus is speaking about good shepherds versus thieves in charge. So, we should be aware of these things.

Here are some forms of spiritual abuse that victims report.

Being told “Wives, submit to your husbands” (Eph. 5:22) in a way that demands obedience without love, safety, or mutual respect.

Using “God hates divorce” (Mal. 2:16) used as a weapon to force women to stay in abusive marriages, rather than addressing the full biblical context of justice and protection for the oppressed. The King James version uses this phrase, and it actually is part of God saying He hates the violence that causes divorce.

Being told that to speak to the wife’s parents about the terrible things happening in the daughter’s home was a "divorceable offense" based on Genesis 2:24, the leave and cleave passage.

Being told to “pray more” instead of seeking practical help or protection. Many women report the entrapment caught in this false belief that their prayers can change another person's heart, even though there is no evidence of any attempt or desire to change.

Feeling shamed for speaking up about mistreatment. (“You’re gossiping,” “You’re bitter,” “You need to forgive.”)

Being pressured to reconcile with someone who has never repented or changed. I am often surprised at the number of pastors that do not understand the difference between forgiveness and reconciliation. You can forgive someone and never tell them and keep them very, very far away from you. Reconciliation is often not even a safe thing to do.

Sadly, it is often more than spiritual abuse from your intimate partner predator. Many pastors and ministry leaders are ill equipped to respond well to disclosures of abuse. When the pastors that were groomed as character witnesses double down and do not believe the victim’s experience, then we see institutional betrayal come into action.

Institutional Betrayal

Institutional betrayal is what is driving a huge number of women to become the de-churched. They may still believe and love Jesus, but they do not desire or want to be a part of a formal church body. Watching church leaders ignore, dismiss, or cover up abuse to “protect the church’s reputation” is something they cannot stomach.

Seeing the pastors choose to side with the abuser, assuming the perpetrator is the “head of the household” and that any issues must be because the wife isn’t “submitting correctly” shows that the church does not value the lives and agency of the women in the church.

Being encouraged to keep family uniformity at all costs, even when the oppressed are not safe to stay.

Many religious institutions pressure victims to forgive their abusers. Forgiveness is a personal decision at the discretion of the victim. The church acts like if the victim would forgive, it would just all go away. They don’t want to do the hard work of being a shepherd that protects the sheep. They don’t want to enact church discipline, do not want to hold the oppressor accountable and do not seek justice for the victim.

The Effects of Spiritual Abuse on the Family Members (Everyone is a victim)

·       Erosion of Faith in God - Creating a Mini-cult Family

·       Feeling like your faith is tied to your abuser—as if walking away from him means walking away from God.

·       Wrestling with spiritual confusion because the same Bible that speaks of love, justice, and protection is being used to keep you in bondage.

·       Losing trust in church leaders or Christian community because they failed to protect you.

For all these reasons and more, it is imperative for church leaders to understand well how to respond to domestic violence disclosures. I speak on this topic and I would be happy to come to your church. Please reach out at seekingpeacecoaching@gmail.com to get more information.

Be safe.