Review of Domestic Violence and the Dechurched – Are People Abandoning the Church, or Is the Church Abandoning Its People?

This little book, Domestic Violence and the Dechurched – Are People Abandoning the Church or is the Church Abandoning Its People? is filled with vital information in a small amount of pages. It is worth your time as a ministry leader to understand this phenomenon that is pervasive in the church. Many Christian women have left the church over the cruelty they received from church members and church leadership while they attempted to escape an intimate partner predator. Authors Dan and Shannon Boeck discuss how the church's response to disclosures of abuse has effected victims of domestic violence and contributed to the number of those among the dechurched.

“Some are leaving the church because they’re received a false gospel. Others are leaving because they’ve found the real one.” – Skye Jethani

That’s a great quote above. When your think of the man born blind being kicked out of the church for being healed without the “white-washed walls” Pharisees’ consent, you cannot help but relate it to the women who escape a predator, and the church disowns them for getting to a safe place for themselves and their children.

To clarify, Boeck and Boeck define the dechurched as “those people who used to be but no longer attend a local congregation.” Many of those who went to the church for help with their destructive marriages felt abandoned when the church provided no support. Many pastors complain of those that are godless and uncommitted are purposely glossing over the fact that many of these dechurched have never left Jesus. Many have strong relationships with him. Just like the man born blind – Jesus went looking for him after he was kicked out of the local church. The Bible never says if he tried to get back in to the synagogue, but why bother, Jesus found him outside of the four walls of the church.

The authors outline the Pew research study in 2019 about the rapid decline in church attendance in America. A significant finding in a study explained that 40 million Americans identify as dechurched. The authors point out the biggest finding is that “in one generation, the dechurched will be the unchurched”. Two groups in the study are interesting to me. The Mainstream Evangelicals and the Exvangelicals – those who used to be evangelical – are largely female.

The Boecks point out as the end of analyzing this study that “a typical evangelical church would need a humble pastor and an authentic community”, “and it must demonstrate genuine compassion toward vulnerable populations, including justice in a Biblical framework.”

The next chapters explain how the Bible informs us on what abuse is and especially in the context of marriage.

·       If you don’t understand what is abuse is, you can take 1 Corinthians Chapter 13 and change LOVE to ABUSE and remove the NOs.

·       Deception and lies are a crucial part of oppression.

·       Children are greatly harmed by witnessing one parent abuse the other

God is greatly concerned for those that are oppressed. The book explains the words of God in the Bible to describe oppression. And the authors also list out all of the words in the Bible that refer to oppressors and their behaviors.

In the chapter on the report card for the church, the authors show the statistics regarding surveys of women who went to the church for help and the church made things way worse. The authors write about what are the effects of oppression on a wife in a destructive marriage and they wisely remind churches to not recommend couples counseling when abuse is involved, as abuse is not a marriage problem.

The next chapters describe the effects on the oppressed when the church responds poorly to their disclosure of abuse. These effects include a view of God that He has abandoned them, that involvement in a church is to be avoided, and a decreased lack of trust in people and even God himself.

To correct these problems with responding to abuse, the authors predict that a healthy response will come with humility, an ability to correctly classify the marriage as difficult or destructive, the ability to require true repentance that is displayed over a long period of time, not trying to level the sin between the spouses as one is a victim and one is an oppressor, and preaching on the topic in a way that reflects God’s heart.

The authors end with a note to those who call themselves the dechurched. Seeking for them fellowship again with other Christ followers.

As mentioned at the outset, this book provides an excellent framework for acquiring the necessary knowledge to effectively respond to disclosures of abuse within your church community. I highly recommend adding it to the shelf of your pastor and church administrator.

calledtopeace.org

#DanBoeck #intimatepartnerpredators #dechurched #exvangelicals #evangelicals #abuse #oppression #domesticabuseandthedechurched #pastorresources

What the Man Born Blind Teaches Church Leaders about How to Respond to Disclosures of Domestic Violence

By Janet Kimball Kelly

In the story of the man born blind in John 9 in the Bible, I find some great application in how disclosing domestic abuse is handled in today’s churches.

 The blind man was brought before the church council for being healed on a Sunday which was against the leader’s rules, and since the blind man did not know who the healer was and refused to condemn him, the blind man was kicked out of the church.

Then when Jesus heard he was kicked out of the church, Jesus WENT TO FIND THE HEALED MAN. He told the blind man that it was himself, Jesus who healed him. The blind man expressed gratitude and immediately worshipped Jesus.

The blind man was healed outside of the church. Many women in domestic violence figure out the truth of the hell they live in through secular resources - domestic violence organizations, counselors, family members that witness abuse, doctors that see enlarged amygdala on MRIs, etc. When these women all the sudden have the light shone on the truth of what they are experiencing, it is truly a horrifying moment. Maybe they discover a pile of lies or maybe it is just the enormity of realizing SO many other women have endured and escaped the same type of man that they are married to. But these women are often mistreated by religious leaders for not “following the chain of command” when often the women know the chain has wolves for links.

The story of the man born blind is an interesting story as I speak with women trying to escape domestic violence. Many of them are in churches that consider complementarianism the way to go. They have it written into their policy and belief documents. Whether or not you believe this about marriage does not matter considering the crime of abuse, but it does mean that predators will be attracted to your church. Those with seared consciences are coercively controlling their family through a hierarchical structure and complementarianism that is not grounded in love of Jesus will become a trap of twisted scriptures for the victims of a wolf.

Many women in these churches believe that before they can expose the truth of how the marriage covenant has been broken by their spouse, they must give an explanation to their pastor in hopes of gaining moral support as they try to either “stay well” or “leave well”.  They hope the pastor will be both proactive in supporting them and their children during a scary time and they often hope the pastor will use this chance to “help” their spouse repent and change. In these situations, it appears that the only form of accountability for the husband is through church leadership. During their entire marriage, these women were controlled by fear and intimidation and now often fall into believing that they need to have others help them make decisions about the future of their broken marriage. Some are in churches that say they will be kicked out if they do not have the approval to divorce from the elders. And this entire time, the abuser knew exactly what he was doing. He was actively grooming the church leaders by showing up to events and offering to pray for people. He may even develop situationships with the members that are the least likely to figure out the abuser’s true nature. They may go on mission trips but do their own ‘activities’ at night. The abuser is “there” but not ‘present’, and most people just don’t pick up on that they are a wolf.

The victims are like Lazarus in the tomb (John 11:38-44). Life with the predator has slowly wrapped you in grave clothes until you are frozen and can no longer move. You have lost your agency and ability to make decisions for yourself. This is the exact result the predator is hoping for as they slowly and methodically destroy your emotional health. And then you hear Jesus say “Come out” of that awful situation. Come be the daughter of a king that you were meant to be. Walk out of that stinky, musty place and into the sunshine.

But what did the religious leaders do when the blind man admitted someone outside the church had shown him “the light” and gave him the ability to see – the church leaders kicked him out. They said to him, “”You were born in utter sin, and would you teach us?”(John 9:34) How many women in domestic violence experiences a fellow Christian tell them that you can’t listen to “those people” they are not “part of us”. Our denomination, our town, our brand of counseling, our leadership. But the blind man did not allow them to disparage what was done for him by Jesus outside of the church. But to the church leaders, if it wasn’t their decision according to their rules, then it could not be seen as a good thing. This was preposterous to the man born blind. And it is preposterous to a woman who has lived through the hell of domestic terrorism in her own home, often for decades.

This is one of the reasons we have the huge and growing deconstruction movement in the church. Once you realize church leaders  are making up the rules to suit themselves and you grew up in it, you must stop and say – well, how does that compare to what Jesus really did say?  I choose to think of deconstruction as purposely placing your silver self in the pot and letting therapy, EMDR, meditation, scripture, etc., bring out the dross and false teachings to purify your faith.

So, the blind man is kicked out of the church. But who pursues him after “the church” has kicked him out. JESUS. Jesus pursues him. Sadly, many of our churches do not know how to do this very thing. So many church leaders are scared, guilty, or so, so naïve about domestic violence for the most part. I understand that it is embarrassing for some to realize that they were duped by the abuser, but so was everyone else.

But what happened when Lazarus came out – Jesus told his FRIENDS to take the grave clothes off. That is what the church is supposed to do when a woman discloses that her marriage is a sham, and she needs to escape. We are supposed to be there bringing casseroles for the woman who had to file for divorce. Offering to watch her kids while she meets with her lawyer. Contributing to her needs to pay for court costs. Helping her get counseling to heal. This is helping to take the grave clothes off.

God created divorce in the Old Testament for this very reason. There is no shame in updating the public record if a marriage covenant has been broken through abuse – no matter the kind. (The Jewish marriage covenant of Biblical times included all forms of abuse as reasons to divorce. It would be wise to start teaching this to our children)

The blind man was never restored to the church body as far as we know. I don’t think that harmed him much. I am sure he found a home church where people knew each other well.

Lazarus endured death threats from the same church leadership who kicked out the blind man. Truly, the wolves are in charge in some churches.

So, which is it for you? Are you going to believe your friend who discloses an abusive relationship right away and offer help?

95% of abuse claims are true. Statistically your best ‘bet’ is to believe.

Are you going to disparage those that have had to stop and realize they were fed a bunch of traditions that benefitted the church leaders, but are not truly part of God’s Bible? It takes a while to figure this out since it involves repairing our harmed self as a child and beyond.

I sincerely hope Church leaders will take the time to go through “Protect the Flock “ training by Called to Peace Ministries. That seminaries will start teaching about the behavior of those with seared consciences and how their presence in your church effects everyone there.

Wolves will always be among us, this side of heaven. Once we figure out who a wolf is , we need to do all we can to help the blind man see and a woman trapped in domestic abuse – find a way to Jesus.

Using Rebecca Zung's SLAY in Your Negotiations

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Supportively,  

Janet Kelly

Slay Certified High Conflict Negotiation Coach